Originally published in Verbicide issue #16

I apologize in advance.

When I contacted Vernon Chatman and John Lee, creators of “Wonder Showzen,” I assumed there would be a civilized exchange of ideas based in artistic creativity and breaking down the boundaries of political correctness. In retrospect, I realize how fucking stupid that was. My bad.

Instead, I got to experience first-hand what makes “Wonder Showzen” one of the best new shows on MTV2.

Not down with “Wonder Showzen?” Let me catch you up.

Conceptualized back in 2001, Chatman and Lee — both creators of “Doggy Fizzle Televizzle” — and animator Aaron Augenblick created a pilot called “Kids Show” intended to air on USA Network. Instead, the re-titled “Wonder Showzen” found a permanent home on MTV2. A warped version of children’s educational programming, the cast features puppets, kids spouting crude absurdities, and cartoons oddities. Basically, take one part “Sesame Street” and add Robert Smigel’s “TV Funhouse,” then divide by “South Park” and you’ll get a tenth of what “Wonder Showzen” represents. It’s reckless. And, make no mistake, its creators are fucking insane. It’s not often that an artist takes an idea (in this case, a predisposition for chaos) and commits to it whole-heartedly.

Vernon and John like to commit.

With “Wonder Showzen” entering its second season on MTV2 and first DVD release on March 28, I gave the guys a call to find how the show came together. Instead, I got something resembling an interview.

Vernon Chatman: We agreed to, I think, what…eight questions? And you’re at six already. And you’re asking two more right now.

Aw, come on guys.
Vernon: Are you ready?

Man, I was born ready.
Vernon: Who are you? Where are we calling? What company? What magazine?

Verbicide magazine.
Vernon: Verbicide?
John Lee: Is this a Rasta magazine?
Vernon: They tracked us down, I think, all the way from PFFR. Right?

Yeah. I found a link on the PFFR website.
Vernon: Have you heard any PFFR?

Just what I found when I first did the search.
Vernon: What did you think of those guys?

It’s…appropriate.
Vernon: That’s an appropriate answer.
John: Yeah.
Vernon: Yeah, uh, there is no verbicide.com. Call me back when you get it together. Next you’re going to ask me for my credit card number…my [Social Security number]…my, uh, my pants size.

Just try scissorpress.com.
John: Scissorfresh?

No. Scissor Press. Scissor, as in “cut a piece of paper, ” and press, as in “pressed for time.”
Vernon: Oh my God. I don’t trust this guy, John.
John: Who’s John?
Vernon: I don’t know anymore. (he types in the address) Is this an “assemble-yourself” magazine?

No, no.
Vernon: Do you know what that means?

Not really, but I think—
Vernon: Then why’d you deny it?

Well, it’s not like it’s just me sitting in the basement sticking it together with construction paper and yarn.
Vernon: That’s what we do! Do you think that’s bad?!
John: Yeah!
Vernon: Are you starting a fight?

Hey, listen. You can’t see me but I’m a 6’6″, 200 lb. black man with dreadlocks. You don’t want to fight me.
Vernon: So this is a Rasta magazine.

Yeah, I guess so.
Vernon: Well, then I’ll back down….but only because you’re black. That was the clincher. I can take your size…

Yeah, but you can’t match my raw street grittiness.
Vernon: Whoa, dude!
John: Alright, is that it? You got what you need?

No, I still need to ask you one actual question.
John: Oh, okay.

And I’ll bypass all the background info and get straight to the real questions.
John: I like it. Get to the nut. We like to get right in there and eat the nut.

I wanted to ask you about the style of the program because it draws on the look of these children’s shows that—
John: The look?
Vernon: We formulated an aesthetic! I think the French word for it is crappy. Shitty.
John: I know. It’s like conocrap.
Vernon: Bright, colorful, and shitty. And we have to work really hard, because we’re super-talented. So we have to do everything with our left hand.

You have to cultivate it.
Vernon: Yeah, our talent is like a yogurt. But we have to spread that yogurt with our left hand to dumb it down for the regulars…like yourself.

Ah…
Vernon: The common man. The scum of the earth, like your readers, the little people, the low man on the totem pole. Our backs hurt from stooping down, to dumb ourselves down just enough to have some connection with these people. And then we go home and wash. Oh, how we wash! Furiously!
John: We went to school to learn your guttural grunts. We take about a three-hour shower. And we scrub so hard that by the time we’re done, there’s more blood than water. Which is the cleanest thing of all in the body. Blood.
Vernon: Just to wash the thought of the eyes that have the gall to watch our show.
John: I rinse my mouth with Vietnamese blood. It keeps it clean and fresh.

Well, I don’t believe that.
John: You don’t believe us?! You want me to hang up this phone right now? And call you right back? Do you believe that?

Yeah, but I seriously doubt—
John: Listen to this, dude. This is how serious I am. (sound of hard slapping in the background followed by a grunts) You ever seen a Vietnamese dog?

Yeah, I have.
John: It’s a rat. Cleanest mouths in the world. If a Vietnamese dog bites you, you should wash his mouth ‘cause you’re going to poison him! Okay? Tell your readers that! And by the way, we just got back from Europe. There. Will. Be. No. War. Next question.

(laughter) Alright.
Vernon: So we got enough pull quotes? What do you need?! Here’s a pull quote! Pull this! Quote, unquote! (laughter)
John: Are we a cover? We wanna be one of them fold ’em up covers. We wanna be one that says…Oh, “Wonder Showzen” is a great show…and then you fold it and it says ” You bend it, you bought it.”

Like Mad magazine!
Vernon: That’s how you’re gonna make money. We’re making you money. We’ll split the profits 60/40. Next question.

You don’t mind if I ask you a couple more questions, right?
John: Naw, you say whatever you want about us. You’re the press! We’ll believe whatever you say.

Okay, so, you just finished writing for the new season, right?
Vernon: Yeah, we just finished writing.

What should we expect? Who’s gonna be in it?
Vernon: Who’s going to be in it? It’s a TV show. What don’t you understand? Okay, you know how season one came on and it changed the political landscape?

Yeah.
John: Now we’re going to tackle the farming industry!
Vernon: This time, I think what we’re doing is changing not just America, but the more of the universe.
John: Maybe just North America…
Vernon: Yeah, The north part of the universe. So with season one, it fucked the minds. Now we’re gonna fuck the hearts. There’s half a pull quote. Cause you want a “dot dot dot” for people to finish off on. Get it? We fuck and then you finish off. And season two we’re gonna make love to the minds. Think of a donkey…and it bites you in the neck.
John: You know how you eat some bad Chinese food and you shit like a donkey?

Yeah.
John: Well, the spawn of that will be the new season. I know that’s a lot of technical jargon, but we work in the industry. I can’t relate to a lot of people, the common people, so…

Okay, last question. Any new projects from PFFR? Any CDs coming out?
John: Well, what’s coming out is, we’re gonna put out the audio to a movie that we’re then going to shoot. Sales of the audio will pay for the visuals. So if you wanna see a crappy movie, don’t buy it. If you wanna see a good movie, buy it.
Vernon: It’s gonna be the very first IMAX flipbook. So you’re going to go to your IMAX theater and it’s 30 stories tall and it just literally flips down about 1.8 billion frames.
John: We’re writing the novelization first.
Vernon: With pictures included. We’re writing the novelization of our biographer’s demise. A Wisp of Smoke, it’s called.
John: Are you recording this or writing this down?

I’m recording.
John: Aw, fuck. When the DVD comes out, there’s video, there’s audio, there’s hidden…there’s a 22-minute PFFR segment.
Vernon: There’s audio commentary and then there’s a video or two. And PFFR.net is updated everyday and it kind of includes our take on the dues of the day.
John: We select some of the best blog quotes and we just assemble them.
Vernon: It’s considered the website of record.
John: It’s up for a “Bloggy.” I don’t know if anyone printed this yet but we were just named the Poet Lauriat of the Internet.
John: Dude, we’re not supposed to say that yet.
Vernon: Could you not print that until next week?

So you want me to say you are the Poet Lauriat of the Internet?
John: State approved! It’s like if Wallace Stevens and the Terminator had a baby.
Vernon: Yeah
John: Or if Wallace and Air Bud had a baby. Which they did. Which they do’ed.

Did you get a key to the city?
Vernon: Yeah, we were given a key. Bubba Gump gave us a key to cyberspace.
John: The Nermal cyberspace.
Vernon: I don’t know if you’ve been reading the news, but Carl Sagan was hit by lightning last week. And they spilled some bong water on it and the bong water went into a radioactive pit. And he woke up and found out that cyberspace actually takes place inside Nermal’s pooter-hole. And Odie is pissed.
Vernon: He hasn’t eaten lasagna in like a week.
John: And he never even liked lasagna.
Vernon: That wasn’t even his bag.
John: But he would do it just to spite Garfield. And actually, you wanna hear about some future projects? PFFR is directing, writing, and producing…we just inked the deal so we can finally go public. We’re doing a live action adaptation of “Pong.” You know Pong?

Yeah, of course I know Pong.
Vernon: Yeah we’re doing the movie. Pong: The Movie. We bought the rights and we’re doing the movie Pong. Finally telling the story of Pong.
John: You know how they had “Mario Brothers” and they made a movie out of that?

But isn’t that just a bouncing ball?
John: Naw, it’ll be good! See what we got…we got Harvey Keitel as the left paddle and James Spader as the right paddle.
Vernon: No, you got it wrong. Harvey Keitel is on the right. He just called and he wants the right paddle.
John: Oh yeah. We’re casting against type. I forgot.
Vernon: Harvey Keitel’s the left paddle, James Spader is the right paddle, and it’s pretty obvious…who do you think is the center divide? Don’t fuck it up.

I was gonna go with Freddie Prinze, Jr.
John: Cybill Shepherd. What are you talking about?

Is she still working?
John: Yeah, she’s still working! She’s breaking her back.
Vernon: And Bruce Willis is doing the soundtrack. Bruno… And the video is a re-vivified Elvis. Cunnilinguifying…what’s her name? My grandma…(laughter)
John: It’s called Pong: The Movie — Welcome Back Cancer! Subtitled, “Oh no you didn’t! You didn’t? Oh Satan, you didn’t!”
Vernon: It’s the first movie shot in “Phenominuncular” sound. LL Cool J said that the movie is so good, that he now hates ladies.

Wow! That sounds like a great movie. I think I got enough stuff for 80 pull quotes.
Vernon: Can you do all pull quotes? Can you do the first all-pull quote article? That’s a good article.
John: The three of us are going to start up a magazine called Pull Quotes: the Magazine. ‘Cause who the fuck reads any of that other shit?

Yeah, but that’s not a magazine. That’s a novel. A novella.
John: Pull quotes! That’s the nut. And then our tagline will be “Lap Up the Nut.” ‘Cause it’s just the nut. Send it out. ‘Cause once you name it Pull Quote magazine…that whole pull quote thing, that’s implied. So you’re cool. So season two expect a lot of visual pull quotes.
Vernon: What other jargon you got over there?

Okay. Jargon. “Visual pull quotes. And “nut implied.” Got it!
Vernon: (laughter) Now what are you giving us?

What am I giving you? I’m giving you my viewership. And when you put out the DVD I’ll buy like 17.
John: Oh yeah, for who?

For myself and my friends. And one for every day of the week.
John: Actually, we can only tell a few people, but there’s something in the stores, if you’re going to buy a DVD…if you go up and you go (singing), “Want to go today singing this song,” you can get 25 percent off. Put that down in your rag.

Alright, I’ll put it in the rag for you. With the pull quotes and the nut.
Vernon: Did you just say “the butt and the nut?” That’s disgusting.
John: Did you read that letter that butt wrote to nut? It was so sweet. It was so sweet.
Vernon: He just asked if we could all go to the bathroom later…