Fruit Corners Fruit Bars
I liked these a lot more than Fruit Roll-Ups, but for some reason, General Mills’ short-lived subsidiary Fruit Corners thought it would be wise to market thick strips of soft fruit leather as being visually repellent.
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O’Boises
If ever I find myself suffering from high blood pressure and kidney disease, I’ll know to blame the sodium from O’Boises that to this day still travels through my bloodstream. These things were salty enough to kill a mountain goat, but so light and crispy you couldn’t stop eating them until the bag was empty and your tongue was shriveled and numb.
Tato Skins
Pringles may be the king of dehydrated processed potato snack crisps, but Tato Skins were far superior. Years ago, for the sake of my health, I gave up eating chips and other unhealthy snacks. However, if Tato Skins were still available, I guarantee I’d be at least 25 pounds heavier, sitting in the dark of my apartment with empty bags piled up around me and crinkling underfoot.
Magic Middles
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Take a shortbread cookie. Now, blow it up to create some sort of weird cookie-pocket, fleck it with chocolate chips, and then proceed to fill it with melted chocolate goo. Ta-da, you have a Magic Middle. Eat a dozen or so in rapid succession, and enjoy your day-long sugar high and irregular heartbeat.
Keebler supposedly stopped selling these because they were too unhealthy — this is a company that currently markets Fudge Shoppe Dark Chocolate Graham Cheesecake Middles and Jumbo Peanut Butter Fudge Sticks. I like a corporation with a conscience, and it’s nice to know they have our best interests in mind.
PB Max
Tato Skins were the best potato chips ever made, Magic Middles were the best cookies, and PB Max was the pinnacle of human creation. I have never eaten and will never again eat anything quite as amazing as this candy bar, and nor will you. It consisted of a whole grain cookie smothered in creamy peanut butter, topped with crunchy oats, and coated in milk chocolate. Eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup is like eating a dick in comparison. Literally, a dick.
PB Max wasn’t pulled from shelves due to phony concern for consumers’ health, nor was it a failure in the marketplace. Despite $50 million in sales, PB Max was discontinued solely due to the Mars family’s distaste for peanut butter. I’ll bet their shareholders loved that reasoning.
Which discontinued foods do you miss?