Another week, another couple hundred weird news stories to browse and decide which are the most important! And by “important” I don’t really mean that.
10. A woman in Oregon mysteriously acquires a British accent after waking up from a dental surgery and is diagnosed with “Foreign Accent Syndrome.” Yes, FAS is a real thing, and is thought to stem from a minor injury to an miniscule area of the brain that controls language pattern and tone. Or maybe she’s totally faking it.
9. An NYU undergrad student submitted a documentary film to Cannes on a whim, forgot about it, and then got notification in the mail two months later that Cannes will be showcasing it. Well damn!
8. A woman survives off trail mix, candy, and water for seven weeks after she became stranded in mud in a distant area of Nevada.
7. Nope, we’re still not done talking (inadvertently) about the Royal Wedding — Pippa Middleton’s bottom now has a Facebook fan page, and it has 211,839 more fans than you do. Also, she was recently approached by Vivid Entertainment and offered $5 million to appear in a porno. WWPD?!
6. A british house cat named Smokey has been entered into the Guinness Book of World Records because his purr is louder than a lawnmower. Hell yes, this is news.
5. While partying in India, ever-classy Tara Reid’s front tooth popped out and fell onto the dance floor. Ms. Reid promptly found her tooth, stopped what she was doing, and… glued it back in. That’s swag!
4. Hats! Hats! Hats! Check out 20 of the craziest hats spotted at the Kentucky Derby. #11 forever.
3. Watch a young man without arms or legs throw the ceremonial first pitch at a Chinese baseball game.
2. University of Chicago holds a conference on “Jersey Shore” Studies. Yes. I’ve been waiting for somebody to intellectualize reality television for me so I feel like less of a loser for watching so much of it.
1. And, finally, police in Cook County, Illinois seized a four-foot long American alligator from a man’s house. The owner stated his reason for keeping the pet around was to attract women. I don’t…. this doesn’t… but I wouldn’t… what?