Pound Puppies
What was it with children in the ’80s showering inanimate objects with affection? Jesus, these toys weren’t just meant to be loved, they needed to be rescued. The most pitiable toys since the Choo-Choo With Square Wheels. Somehow, even I ate these things up.
Madballs
“Gross out” toys held an odd, unspeakable allure for me and many other products of the ’80s. They were never again as popular as they were during that decade. I mean, you couldn’t do anything with these toys that you couldn’t do with an old tennis ball, but they looked weird and wacky, and therefore sold millions. They are, as far as I know, the only balls to ever get a cartoon series, and the only toy line to feature a character who indulged in hard drugs.
Lite Brite
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Every kid loved Lite Brite. Teachers loved them too. It was a toy that straddled the line between being educational and pure fun, allowing children to use their imaginations to create beautiful illuminated pictures, and spell out the word “shit” during elementary school playtime.
Teddy Ruxpin
Teddy Ruxpin was an animatronic teddy bear who told stories. You stuck a cassette tape in his back and he’d regale you with teddy bear tales until the tape ran out. Then you turned the tape over. Teddy came with about 45 minutes worth of material, which made him become boring pretty fast, until you stuck a GG Allin tape in his back. Then he became a filthy, naughty scumfuck bear.
Nintendo Entertainment System
How many Marios perished on Christmas mornings in the 1980s? How many presents got shoved aside while kids spent the entire day and night obsessively hammering their NES keypads? The answer to both, I’d estimate, to be millions and millions.