When President Obama finally came out in favor of same-sex marriage, the responses usually fell into one of two camps: religious and socially conservative fear-mongering, which labeled Obama’s somewhat tepid stance as a war on traditional values, or the shrugs of a younger, more jaded generation who wondered what took him so long. And while the implications will likely be debated for years to come — with little discussion of the real gay and lesbian relationships impacted by these issues — we must always take solace in the fact that ignorance is the spice of humor.

While trying to oppose basic LGBTA rights, politicians have never pulled punches. But fueled by election year fury, most arguments have taken a turn for the ridiculous, as pundits have repeatedly been hung out to dry by their own words. Never before have politicians been more dangerous and hilarious when trying to explain their opposition to same-sex marriage. So, in celebration of their ignorance (and what we hope is the impending recognition of LGBTA rights), we highlight some of the choicest cuts of stupid bile ever to come out of a person’s mouth.

And if your eyes start to bleed while reading these quotes, do not panic. It is only evidence that you are a rational, compassionate human being.

“This is a very serious matter, because it is our children who are the prize for this community. They are specifically targeting our children.”

– Senator Michele Bachmann, on the gay community and same-sex marriage, appearing as guest on radio program “Prophetic Views Behind The News”, hosted by Jan Markell, KKMS 980-AM, March 20, 2004.

“It isn’t that some gay will get some rights. It’s that everyone else in our state will lose rights. For instance, parents will lose the right to protect and direct the upbringing of their children. Because our K-12 public school system, of which ninety percent of all youth are in the public school system, they will be required to learn that homosexuality is normal, equal and perhaps you should try it. And that will occur immediately, that all schools will begin teaching homosexuality.”

– Senator Michele Bachmann, on what will happen if her same-sex marriage ban amendment fails to pass in 2004, appearing as guest on radio program “Prophetic Views Behind The News,” hosted by Jan Markell, KKMS 980-AM, March 6, 2004.

“Is anyone saying same-sex couples can’t love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too?”

– Rick Santorum, Writing in the Philadelphia Inquirer, May 2008.

“This is an issue just like 9-11… We didn’t decide we wanted to fight the war on terrorism because we wanted to. It was brought to us. And if not now, when? When the supreme courts in all the other states have succumbed to the Massachusetts version of the law?”

– Rick Santorum, Speaking to the Allentown “Morning Call,” February 2004.

“I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”

– Arnold Schwarzenegger, August 27, 2003, in an interview on The Sean Hannity Show shortly after he announced he would run in the California gubernatorial recall race.

“It not only is a complete undermining of the principles of family and marriage and the hope of future generations, but it completely begins to see our society break down to the extent that that foundational unit of the family that is the hope of survival of this country is diminished to the extent that it literally is a threat to the nation’s survival in the long run.”

– Rep. Trent Franks (R-Ariz.), October 28, 2011, speaking about same-sex marriage in a radio interview.

“If marriage is radically redefined as a way of just affirming loving feelings of attraction, then equality will require allowing people who love dogs to marry dogs. And people who love ice cream to marry ice cream.”

– Daniel Heimbach, senior professor of Christian ethics at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary.