Thank God Taylor Swift is so bad at relationships, otherwise she’d have no material for her songs and we’d never have to listen to her grade-school level ballads again. But not all of her splits were ready for mainstream radio. Here are a few of Taylor’s low profile breakups that never made it to the gossip blogs.

Taylor Swift breaks up with country music:

I think it goes without saying that the best way to make a ex-boyfriend jealous is to hook up with a black guy. So when Taylor Swift finally decided to break up with country music, she went straight to auto-tune god T-Pain to let the world know that she was down like a rodeo clown.  Sure, her white-girl flow makes Natalie Portman look like Marcus Garvey,  but you can’t argue with the results. Swifty is now a bonafide worldwide pop star. Grammys don’t lie.

Spicy food breaks up with Taylor Swift’s stomach:

This was probably Taylor’s worst breakup and yet it gets the least press. In late 2009, the characteristically drunken singer made the fatal mistake of stopping for a snack at an unclean Mexican food truck. For the next 90 hours, Taylor Swift’s stomach experienced all the highs and lows of gastrointestinal distress. The sounds and smells of her internal battle were inescapable, penetrating the walls and concerning her neighbors. Fearing for their lives, they called the police more than once.  When it was finally over, a pale and sweaty Taylor Swift stumbled from the bathroom and, with her swollen thighs shaking, proclaimed her victory to the world.  This breakup was the inspiration for her upcoming album Burn Within.

Taylor Swift breaks up with sanity:

Her mind shattered by the stress of trying to keep up with Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift cocked her head during a recent concert in Australia and spewed deadly rainbows into the crowd, killing hundreds. Later, when the police tried to interview her, Swift showed signs of dementia and, having regained her ability to speak, yelled out “Romance of blood!” before scurrying out of a window and into the deadly jungles of the outback.  If you see Taylor Swift, do not attempt to approach or date her.  Instead, call 911 and wait for further instructions.