Warner Bros.
82 min., dir. by Todd Lincoln, with Ashley Greene, Sebastian Stan, and Tom Felton

The tangible, the supernatural, the ghostly, and the ghastly — the silver screen has housed all the terrors that go bump in the night. By this point in time, all a film needs to creep under one’s skin is an aura of uneasy tension and the right amount of style to frighten an audience out of their seats. The Apparition has none of these qualities, and provides more laughs than scares; it’s a self-contained “Mystery Science Theater 3000” episode of epic proportions.

Kelly’s parents have bought a new home as a real estate investment, and are more than happy to have Kelly (Ashley Greene) and her boyfriend Ben (Sebastian Stan) live in the house as the home appreciates in value. Their first night in the home ends with a few simple frights, but nothing that makes the couple refuse to stay there. As each day passes, however, more odd events take place. This is all preceded by a shakily established timeline of previous seances and experiments that seemingly have nothing to do with the two main characters or their home. As things get out of hand, Kelly and Ben find a member of these rituals by their side as they try to fight back an ominous presence.

Amateurish at best, The Apparition bombards its viewers with a constant stream of sloppily written and poorly delivered drivel it considers dialogue. Pieced together like a Goosebumps novel, the film never reaches above a campfire story atmosphere that wouldn’t scare a four-year-old. The Apparition not only fails to scare, it fails to hold itself up as a properly coherent tale of any sort.

There’s zero reason to delve any deeper into this pathetic excuse for entertainment. The Apparition is just plain awful.

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Matthew Schuchman is the founder and film critic of Movie Reviews From Gene Shalit’s Moustache and also the contributing film writer for IPaintMyMind.