HAPPY MUTANT BABY PILLS by Jerry Stahl

reviewed by Gabino Iglesias | Friday, December 20th, 2013

"Happy Mutant Baby Pills" by Jerry StahlHarper Perennial, 272 pages, paperback, $14.99

No one writes like Jerry Stahl. There are other authors who write gritty, powerfully real, and very informed narratives about drugs; there are great comedic writers, outstanding crime novelists, smart authors who dissect popular culture with the preciseness and efficiency of a surgeon, and top-notch weirdness purveyors. However, no one brings all those elements together as brilliantly as Stahl, and Mutant Happy Baby Pills, his latest release, is proof of that. It might also be his funniest book so far.

Happy Mutant Baby Pills follows Lloyd, a talented, functional junkie who writes the small print for prescription drugs, marital aids, and incontinence products. His job is to take the lists of horrible possible side effects, some of which are worse than the ailments for which they’re prescribed, and “minimize” them by finding creative ways of describing them or simply by saying them really fast. Lloyd is good at his job, but his smack habit interferes and he ends up doing time. Thankfully, a man with connections gets him a job that puts him back on the streets: writing copy for Christian Swingles, an online dating service for the faithful.

He juggles the new gig and his heroin habit for a while, but then a night of petty crime changes everything. On a bus to California he meets Nora, a mysterious young woman with a weird tattoo and an even stranger story. She asks Lloyd for help, and before he knows what’s happening, he accidentally murders a stranger in a public bathroom. What follows is a bizarre and wildly entertaining drug-driven ride in which Lloyd, who almost immediately falls in love with her, helps Nora try to become the mother of a special baby who could change the world of mainstream products forever.

Stahl’s prose is sharp and always feverish. This narrative moves forward at breakneck speed, fueled by a plethora of pop culture references, a lot of social critique, and the kind of smart humor that can make you laugh out loud while you cringe. Despite all that, what makes Happy Mutant Baby Pills a must-read is Stahl’s wit. Whether you’re one of Monsanto’s goons or someone sitting at home eating cheap food out of a bag in front of an old TV set, Stahl has your number, and he lets you know it.

Most readers who are familiar with Stahl’s work knowing him as an author who writers very well about drugs. Sure, he’s that, but he’s much more. In fact, he’s one of those authors whose words jump out of the page and beg to be scribbled on walls in public places. Here are a few morsels:

“I’m not, like a junkie-junkie. I use it, I don’t let it use me. And I’m not going to lie: it helps. It’s like this, suddenly, you have a mommy who loves you. You just have to keep paying her.”

“No one starts out on hell. They have to do something to deserve it. You have to put in the work.”

“Everyone wants to look powerful. Especially guys who don’t have any power.”

Heroin and corporate America play huge roles in this narrative, but Lloyd and Nora are larger than life and hold their own. They’re both profoundly flawed hardcore junkies, but at least Lloyd is honest about it, and Nora never loses the thick curtain of smoke that seems to be hiding all her secret agendas and making Lloyd simultaneously excited and fearful:

“Picture it: Nora on the floor, legs spread in the air, aiming the nozzle and spraying Roundup directly into her vagina. What in nature, what in life, what in religion, TV, Tumblr, or Japanese pornography prepares you for such a sight?”

Jerry Stahl is the William S. Burroughs of the Google Generation. He’s the poet laureate of shady actions and itchy veins. With Mutant Happy Baby Pills, he has created a narrative in which everyday products are exposed for what they are, and what they are is enough to make readers think that filling your veins with Mexican tar from a reused syringe lubricated with earwax is not the worst thing you can do. If you want to know what happens when Hollywood, drugs, murder, love, fisting, and Monsanto collide, pick this one up.

Gabino Iglesias is writer, journalist, and book reviewer living in Austin, TX. He’s the author of Gutmouth and a few other things no one will ever read. You can find him on Twitter at @Gabino_Iglesias.

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