Walt Disney Pictures
108 min., dir. by Tim Burton, with Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter

If you had told me 10 years ago that Johnny Depp and Tim Burton would be making a big screen adaptation of Alice in Wonderland, I would have laughed it off as an insane — but also brilliant — idea. Years later, we find ourselves with that project. It seems like the perfect match for that creative duo. Why is it then, that the final product may very well be the worst adaptation of Alice in Wonderland ever attempted?

As a lifelong fan of the source material, I try to swallow up any new spin or take on the classic tale. I never much cared for the Disney animated version — I always felt it was too pedestrian. It never really explored the material, instead just letting the wackiness of the characters be enough. My personal favorite goes to Jan Svankmajer’s brilliant surreal stop-motion masterpiece Alice. That version, a lot like Burton’s, deviates heavily from the source material. Svankmajer used the book as the framework for his film. Burton, on the other hand, actively attempts to separate himself. It almost feels like Burton has contempt for story.

As each new element was introduced, each new character and location, I found myself thinking the same thing: no. No, this is not what this is like. I am not adverse to a new style — as in Svankmajer’s work or even the old PC video game, American McGee’s Alice. These are all whole new takes on Alice in Wonderland. But what they do correctly is keep the basic ticks of Wonderland correct. I’ve heard that Burton didn’t care for the structure of the original story and wanted a stronger narrative thread — well, he failed.

And that brings me to the biggest issue here: the script is a disaster. The basic structure of the film can be described as such: here are all your favorite characters, here they are again, here they are one last time, credits. Instead of having each character get their one big scene, like all other versions of Wonderland, Linda Woolverton’s atrocious adaptation decides to give each character a little segment in each of the acts. This assures that none of the inhabitants feel fleshed out, but instead winking cameos to those who know the story (and who doesn’t?).

The portrayals are a mixed bag in the end. Alan Rickman is a perfect choice to voice the Caterpillar — but you can use that voice for about anything and have it feel right. Rickman just has a great, iconic voice. Stephen Fry as well does a wonderful Cheshire Cat. But once again, Fry has one of those voices that is just wonderful to listen to; you can’t go wrong. It’s the look of the characters that makes it so awful. Nothing looks right. It’s all far too digital-looking. The characters are weightless, not occupying reality or even the magical world of Wonderland correctly. Mia Wasikowska plays a decent Alice; she doesn’t bring anything to the table, though. Her performance is really just a test in line reading. She remembered her lines, she looks the part, nothing more. The biggest tragedy here is Johnny Depp.

Depp has made his career on playing iconic characters. You can always count on him to bring something new and eccentric to each project. However, in recent years, he’s began to lose this magic. Here, as the Mad Hatter, Depp makes about every wrong choice one could make. I hated everything about the design and the portrayal. The Mad Hatter wasn’t crazy — he was quirky. That isn’t right at all. On top of that, Depp’s Hatter is so brutally inconsistent you can never get a grasp for what the character is supposed to be; though, by the end of the film, I felt that way about nearly all the characters. I know who they are because of how they look, but I can’t tell you anything about their personalities. They are less than one-dimensional.

In terms of the look of the film, well, I hate the special effects. I saw the film in 2D, since I find 3D to be distracting and annoying to watch. There are so many awful shots that scream “3D!” Every time the March Hare tosses a cup at the screen (and trust me, he will often) it feels like the lamest attempt to add some excitement to what is a laborious effort.

This film is a paycheck. Tim Burton’s heart was never in it, and he won’t make a good film again until someone bothers to challenge him. A bunch of talented people sat down in a room together, realized everyone loves Alice in Wonderland, forwent reading the actual book, and made a movie. There is nothing inspired here, nothing interesting. I felt like applauding as the credits came up. The journey was over; I made it through this bastardized Wonderland. And unlike Alice, I will never go back.