If you must know, then I’ll tell ‘ya how I did it…you don’t have to break my arm, you know…you lammergeyers!

I already told you about Buster Keaton, and Jackie Chan, and those Shaolin Monks who have been damaging and abusing their bodies all their lives, and seemingly recuperate at rapid recovery rates…It’s no secret what’s going on with bone manipulation there; but what I haven’t disclosed, were my scholastics in the hyper-macho realm of the Ossifrage Arts–the intentional purpose of bone breaking.

The particular individuals involved in the destructive process, gave up their secrets of exactly the opposite – being constructive – the repairing of their bones, that is. All I did, was to just take it a step further into the esoteric and innovative areas of Retrograde Osteoarthritis, Osteoclast Compression & Restoration techniques, Osteoid-Fructification methods, Infusible Osteology & Osteoblast Propagation research, Parturient Ossification mending, and Developmental-Imporosity Cultivation. Not to mention, Accelerated-Osteogenesis Regeneration and Comparative Lactic Acid Spissitude Assimilations.

Now, during – and in between – those studies, I shopped around for a medium-sized, run-of-the-mill, average horse. Not too big, not too small; not too mean, not too mediocre; not too young or old, and not too meek or mild, either. After I found an affordable specimen, I began feeding it with super calcium-enriched alfalfa buds, kelated-phosphorous bone meal, calcined ash supplements, and about a gallon and a half of vitamin-mineral water every four hours or so.

In addition to the newly potent nutrition of the horse, I then moved on to the untapped power of seeds. Lychee seeds, specifically. To understand the Lychee seed better, I have to let you in on another line of discovery you might have missed from my last book, ‘The First Flower’; that is, the thinking process and ‘holographic-reasoning’ of Fuzzy Logic and Zeno Paradoxes…

Long story short, I discovered that the true power of fruit is the seeds. They are the true potential of what nature has to offer – not the fruit itself, but the seeds – for the maximum of nutrition, and – you guessed it – the Ossification process – bone healing.

Think of, or look at it this way: seeds have the unlimited power to grow a full-sized tree that produces many more fruits and seeds. So then, wouldn’t any one particular seed be a dynamic source of unfathomable power?

Sure it’s a ‘Quantum Zeno Effect’, but it is supported by quantum mechanics and its dynamic evolution in physics. (Haven’t we all used the QZE at some point in our lives?) As a result, I started investigating and revolutionized the studies of Multiple Subsystem-Placebos, Impulsive Phyto-Engineering, Transcendental Horticulture, Archaic Agriculture, Cryptic Paleo-Botany, Botanical Eugenics, and Phytological Euphenics; proving it all myself!

But I depress, compress, and digress.

The point is that I had to be sure of the uncompromising strength and vitality of the horse to withstand my experiment. (You all know what happened in the earlier stages of my first attempts, from my book, ‘The Equine Equivalent’). All in all, the Lychee seed is the best of all seeds to stimulate bone growth.

The horse now nutritionally trained, strong and steadied, I began the initial breaking. Actually, it was a scraping. Carefully, to warm-up with, I used a lapidary’s tool and scraped a small incision on the top of the horse’s skull – about 4 inches long, and just piercing the skin, to skim the bone. Minimal bleeding ensued; and I immediately massaged its scalp to promote renewed healing.

After several days of repeating this process, I moved forward into lightly cracking the horse’s skull with small hammers, chisels, and then alternating with the revitalizing massage techniques…to break and mend, crack and refresh, crush and repair.

The spurtive osteo-growth and restoration process accelerated over a few more weeks, as I rasped and filed, until I fashioned a bit of a cone-shaped spire; and then all progress suddenly stopped. The horse’s new skullbone-protrusion stopped calcifying and regenerating altogether. After several test results, I discovered that the horse’s osteoconductivity had differentiated, and its entire cranium had just simply gotten used to my ‘ossifrage craftsmanship’ – desensitized, as it were.

My only solution was to find a younger horse, and start over. As soon as I found my next guinea pig – um, equine representative, I started again; lightly at first, nicking and scraping at the center of the skull. Then, alternating with massage therapy and then carving a circular base this time, to ensure a better foundation.

During the next few weeks, I started my first puncture of the skull, and then a few hammer hits. Then, shortly after, a few surgically-detailed cracks of a mallet. Over time, the bone significantly grew from its isolated point, and I coaxed and readjusted accordingly. It was painstaking, and my fingers hurt most of the time – but; no pain, no gain.

Months trailed on, and promptly my new horse had a spiraling bone formation of 4.3 inches from its head. Good, but not great.

Contingently, I had to entice the bone column to grow further with increased hammering and chiseling and sledging and sculpturing; and equally important, mending, curing, restoring, and repairing – using all my skills to reach my goal.

Another year passed of denting, scraping, filing, smashing, pleating, crushing, and of course, reproducing…Over and over again, until I finally had a magnificent horn growing from the top of my horse’s head…A full 18 inches, spiraling to a point – smooth, powerful, and majestic.

…And that’s how I made, built, and created the world’s first true unicorn…Now if you don’t mind, I have some narwhale and vulture DNA to extract, and it ain’t gonna be pretty…

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Ralph Puglisi is an amatuer writer, just starting to stick his big toe into the literary waters of the publishing world. He is currently going to school to obtain his degree in English.